I don't want to quit FOREVER

I don’t want to quit drinking FOREVER!

Amen to that!

I don’t either.

All I know for sure is throughout the last 20 years, alcohol was the one thing that has been a constant in my life.

Over the past 6 years I knew something had to give. Like any proper lady, I ignored the recycling bin and would sign up for a spirit triathlon, register for a class, enroll in 60 classes in 60 days of hot yoga (only for the insane at heart) or schedule a 30 day cleanse. I would try to curb my drinking by doing another activity. I wasn't facing the fact alcohol was the thing that was causing discontent.  

A couple weeks into whatever hairbrained idea I came up with, I’d catch myself with a cold mug of beer in my hand at a summer BBQ, glass(es) of champagne at a friend’s birthday party, margarita(s) on vacation, glass(es) of wine after a bad/good/normal day at work.

It wasn’t until I took an extended break from the drink that I realized the hypnotizing nature of that sparkling liquid in the crystal flute glass. I was under the illusion it helped me relax, have more fun, be more social, connect more closely and authentically with others, communicate with my husband, and celebrate with my friends.

The veil was lifted. Alcohol was blurring my vision both figuratively and literally. It was causing anxiety and depression-both of which I had never experienced before. My skin was breaking out. My belly and face were bloated. I was exhausted 70% of the time.

The most heartbreaking side effect, though, was that I was losing my voice. My confidence was waning. I could no longer depend on the little Navigator in my head that told me the right path to forage.

I could only hear the Negotiator. The voice telling me I deserve a drink. I don’t have a problem. I’m not like those people. I have a career. I manage a house with busy boys. I haven’t hit rock bottom. I’m not an alcoholic. I don’t drink EVERY night.

The day I knew the gig was up is when I was on the most adventurous, picturesque vacation of a lifetime. In the middle of the Caribbean with my best friends, my husband skippering the boat. The islands were jutting out of the ocean on the port side (on the left) and the ever stretching reach of the Atlantic was starboard (on the right), and I was in the middle, hungover.

As my mom always said, “never is a long time”, so I can’t say I will never drink again.

Just. Not. Today.