Teenage Angst and a Cig

This past weekend was the annual parents’ night out fundraiser at my kid’s school. This year’s theme was Glam or Grunge. I chose grunge, obviously. I’m a total product of the 90s. The only thing missing from this picture is teenage angst and a cigarette.

What IS here is the vast variety of emotions I remember having while in my late teen-early adult years. The excitement of the unknown while driving my white Mazda 626, windows down, Nine Inch Nails pulsing into the humid Texas night air. The dreamy and connected feeling while lounging side-by-side next to my crew in the dewy green grass of Zilker Park. The deep, visceral, achy love that one can only really experience inside the innocent relationship with your first love, or when thinking of your child navigating through this big complicated world.  

These feelings are nostalgic, yet fresh and new all at the same time.

Over the past couple of decades I would drink to celebrate, drink when I was bored, drink to be social, drink to relax, drink to have fun, drink on date night, drink when having dinner with friends, drink when having dinner with family, drink when watching a movie. In all these scenarios, it was/is socially acceptable to drink.

Drinking would bring me back to a baseline, some place familiar, some place where growth isn’t allowed, permitted or wanted

This place seemed safe but it isn’t. It’s numbing. It replaced my excitement, fear, love, authenticity with complacency.

I’m learning to be inquisitive and gentle when these wild emotions jump out of me. I curiously follow them, sometimes for days, until I discover they either no longer serve me, they don’t belong in this time and place in my life anymore, or I welcome them as a reminder of how far I have come.

Although for some the thought of having a single teenage emotion would scare them back into the bottle. Let me lovingly remind you: you are older, you are wiser. Do not be afraid. Your adult self is ready to take care of you. To help you explore and learn ways of developing new patterns. It may take time, but it will happen.

Until then, allow your mind to trail off and see what’s on the other side of the emotion.

Always with love.