Queen Bee

“I am going to start drinking again,” said a friend via text.

She quit drinking a year before I did. She was the reason I knew I could be courageous enough to eliminate alcohol for good, or at least give it the ole college try.

Her words didn’t trigger me. I didn’t read them and think, “oh no my role model, the woman I’ve put on a pedestal may drink again. What does this mean for me?”

Instead I texted back, “yah, I totally get it. The more kids I had, the more I drank” (true statement, and luckily for me I only had 2 kids).

I know she has the tools, support, and big belly full of 98% sobriety, but when you have a baby on your hip, all of the above becomes a little more elusive.

The tools and support we used before we had kids becomes translucent and sticky like Slime. It’s appears to be a solid mass in the package, but once we pick it up it slips through our fingers. It’s tangible and in sight, but teases us by hanging on to our fingers, clothes, whatever it’s tendrils can grasp on to, but impossible to actually have fun playing with.

The words in her text lead me to think about women who are mothers who overindulge in alcohol.

It can be achingly lonely being a mother to small children. This isn’t because our tribe of mothers or friends aren’t available, they are. It’s just we don’t think anyone can understand exactly what we are going through, and in a way this is so true, because there is no one exactly like our little baby.

But this isolation can lead to continuing or restarting old habits that instantly give our mind and our heart a break. This may be alcohol or food or an eating disorder-something we feel we can “control”--that is personally and secretively ours.

We can’t just hop on over to a yoga class, or run Town Lake trail. We can’t tuck our head under the covers at 7 pm only to emerge again the next day at 10 am. We can’t sneak into the back row of an AA or Smart Recovery meeting at noon.

Our lives as mothers with small children doesn’t give us the freedom to nurture ourselves in the exact moment we need it. If we are fortunate to have family nearby, an available partner, or a babysitter, we still have to plan our “breakdowns.”

It most definitely doesn’t give us permission to take time away from our babies to tend to what society sees as  “a problem” if we choose to distance ourselves from alcohol. But, hey, having morning mimosas is A-OK.

As I write this it’s a freakin’ miracle any mother can ever quit sippin’ on the “mommy juice.”

I just want you to know, you are not alone. If you find yourself falling down Alice’s Rabbit Hole, reach out to someone online, a friend, or a mothers’ group that matches what you know will truly nourish your brave heart.

Please know, you are the Queen Bee and need to take care of yourself in order to tend to your hive, and there is no shame in that.

You are fierce, incredible, and deserving of every moment in your life, especially the ones you can steal for yourself.